We have just moved away from Spokane into a room at my dad's house. My two girls and me. I am sharing a bed with my four year old and she is being a champion about not flip-flopping the night away. My 15 month old is being a rock star about hardly crying in the night and simply wants to crawl into the big bed at 5 in the morning to be with the big girls ( have I ever mentioned that I am NOT a morning person? I am loving the extra snuggles, but am wishing they happened a little later in the morning...). Scott is still in Spokane, wrapping up the remains of a business that held our plans and dreams and we are leaving it. Along with friends and community and...haven't I been here before? Like I said- transition.
We are moving to Seattle. To a great town with lots to do and some amazing family members that I am so looking forward to being friends with and it's transition! And I'm not "drawing closer to Jesus" or "rejoicing in the coming character" (seriously, I have enough character) or even feeling very mature about things. I was mad for a long time: mad at Scott, mad at his previous employer who is behaving badly, mad at situations and people and spiders and strangers who can't drive and the gutter that was falling off my house and moving quotes. Mad.
Now, I'm a little numb. Or emotional. It depends on when you catch me. But with God, well, we could say I'm not ready to talk to Him, yet. Except for the one prayer that escapes like breath, "Be with me?" It's the way I feel after a "discussion" with Scott. When we go to bed and we're still a little angry, but mostly just cold with each other. I crawl into bed and roll as far over to my side as possible (without being TOO obvious about it), but my foot sneaks over to be by him because he's warm and reassuring and I need to know that he's still with me. Even if I'm not ready to talk about it or ready to hear what he has to say, I want to know that he is there. And with me. That's where I am with God. Steady on the outside, panicking on the inside and desperate to know that He is here in the chaos and transition and unknown. Still struggling to even out after great post-partum depression with my little one, still fighting the anxiety and panic and internal chaos and keep my littles in a place where they feel safe and whole and loved..."Be here with me?"
He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." (Psalm 46:10)
He is God. And my purpose in all this is to exalt Him; my family's purpose in all this is to exalt Him. We don't live to be comfortable and root down and nest, as much as that is what I think I want. We live to exalt Him. And while I may struggle with this and fight it and even want what I want most days...my hearts desire is for this: to exalt Him on this earth. So, be here with me and help me remember that YOU are God.
