She lays limp in my arms, tired from a day of shots and x-rays and doctors. I stand to stretch my legs and she curls tight against me. Instinctively, without thought her body curls in on itself in an attempt to be closer to mine. Closer to the warmth, the heart, the source of nourishment. I help her come closer, wrapping both arms a little tighter so she feels secure. Because I am moving, and I want her to feel safe.
My Abba is moving. He is doing a new thing, opening my heart to new people and places and possibilities. He is moving my heart for people standing on the street corner and sitting in my mommy group; people fighting cancer and marriage-takers and finances; people just trying to live this life-thing. And I curl toward Him. Toward the warmth, the heart, the source of my nourishment. "The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want..." So says the most popular Psalm of all.
And He holds me. Sometimes He holds me looking out, like Annie in her baby carrier. Exploring this world He created. Taking in new colors, smells, sensations. My back against His chest, His arms still supporting me. And when I have taken in more than I can understand, when my senses are on overload, when I am just plain tired He brings me once again toward His chest. I curl in. His arms ever around me. He is my Shepherd, I shall not want...
"I sing a simple song of love to my Savior, to my Jesus.
I'm thankful for the things You have done.
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.
My heart is glad You've called me Your own
There's no place I'd rather be
In Your arms of love....
Holding me still, holding me near in Your arms of love."
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Delightful Beauty
Yesterday as I was getting ready for the day I ran into an old acquaintance; not really a welcome acquaintance at all. My hair wouldn't cooperate, nothing seemed to mask the dark circles and the only warm clothes I brought with me were sweats. I did NOT feel beautiful! That's when vanity popped in for a hello. I actually pouted, my eyes filled with tears and I moaned, "I just want Annie to think her mom is beautiful!" Saying it out loud, I was ashamed.
I DO want Annie to think I'm beautiful, but more than that I want her to know what true beauty is. Things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control...these are the things that make us beautiful. Not the mascara that promises longer, fuller lashes; not the concealer that is supposed to cover fine lines AND dark circles; not the blush and eyeshadow and eyeliner and lipsticks and good grief!!! Annie won't care if I look like I should be on the cover or Vogue or Shape, but she will care if I am full of love, if I laugh from joy, if I introduce her to the Source of all Peace and let His good character be nurtured in me. These are the things that matter.
It's easy to forget this. I feel pressure to be superwoman. To keep a clean and efficient home, have laundry done at all times, have nutritious meals and baked goodies waiting, feed, change and inspire creativity in my child, work out, take the dogs walking, grocery shopping...and on top of all this and more be a drop dead gorgeous "hottie". Are you kidding me??? I have friends who feel this pressure and also work outside the home. It's amazing more women aren't having nervous breakdowns! I want to stay grounded in what is true, in what matters. It is a daily fight to nurture those "fruits of the Spirit", but it is a necessary fight. I want to be gentle with Scott and with Annie. To be kind when I view the world around me. To have some self-control; have some balance. I have read the Proverbs 31 woman-text many times recently and nowhere does it say, "She does all this looking like she just walked out of Nordstrom."
I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her daughter was four months old. She had to quit nursing cold turkey, cut her beautiful hair super short because it was starting to fall out from the medical treatments, is facing a double masectomy in a month and I'M struggling with vanity?! So ashamed. I cry as I even write this. Oh, friends...if we could all grasp the importance of encouraging each other in real beauty. Point out the beauty that God placed in each of us. From beautiful smiles, to kind and generous eyes, to infectious laughter to a steady spirit...these are the things that won't fade as we age or get sick. These are the things that will be our legacy. These are the things our children will pass on to their own.
"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
(Proverbs 31:30)
"Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in..."
(1 Peter 3:4)
I DO want Annie to think I'm beautiful, but more than that I want her to know what true beauty is. Things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control...these are the things that make us beautiful. Not the mascara that promises longer, fuller lashes; not the concealer that is supposed to cover fine lines AND dark circles; not the blush and eyeshadow and eyeliner and lipsticks and good grief!!! Annie won't care if I look like I should be on the cover or Vogue or Shape, but she will care if I am full of love, if I laugh from joy, if I introduce her to the Source of all Peace and let His good character be nurtured in me. These are the things that matter.
It's easy to forget this. I feel pressure to be superwoman. To keep a clean and efficient home, have laundry done at all times, have nutritious meals and baked goodies waiting, feed, change and inspire creativity in my child, work out, take the dogs walking, grocery shopping...and on top of all this and more be a drop dead gorgeous "hottie". Are you kidding me??? I have friends who feel this pressure and also work outside the home. It's amazing more women aren't having nervous breakdowns! I want to stay grounded in what is true, in what matters. It is a daily fight to nurture those "fruits of the Spirit", but it is a necessary fight. I want to be gentle with Scott and with Annie. To be kind when I view the world around me. To have some self-control; have some balance. I have read the Proverbs 31 woman-text many times recently and nowhere does it say, "She does all this looking like she just walked out of Nordstrom."
I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer when her daughter was four months old. She had to quit nursing cold turkey, cut her beautiful hair super short because it was starting to fall out from the medical treatments, is facing a double masectomy in a month and I'M struggling with vanity?! So ashamed. I cry as I even write this. Oh, friends...if we could all grasp the importance of encouraging each other in real beauty. Point out the beauty that God placed in each of us. From beautiful smiles, to kind and generous eyes, to infectious laughter to a steady spirit...these are the things that won't fade as we age or get sick. These are the things that will be our legacy. These are the things our children will pass on to their own.
"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
(Proverbs 31:30)
"Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in..."
(1 Peter 3:4)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Down, But Not Out
Admittedly, yesterday was not my best day. The movers arrived from Yakima and I had to have them leave all my belongings in the garage. We are only in this house another month so it would be silly to unpack...I just feel sad and unsettled and lost and lonely. These words do not fit with my inner optimist, but I told her to shut up yesterday and decided to just cry. :-) I don't like being "in between." And that is exactly where I am.
I did strap Annie to the front of me and played my piano in the garage with the sun shining on us and just enough breeze to make it pleasant. That was special, and something I would have never had the chance to do if we weren't "in between". A silver-lining moment. Today, we will go to one of the beautiful parks here and live this day. I want to be very clear- living also includes crying and questioning and grieving, along with the joy and laughter and play. Trusting God doesn't always look happy. That's not real! And we are nothing if not real! Human beings, created with emotions and feeling and free will...we can trust Him and still ask why! We can trust Him and still tell Him we hate the situation! He already knows, we may as well just be raw and honest on our knees before Him. He asks that we come and be in relationship with Him- true relationship with Him.
I know that good things are coming; it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not foolish enough to just live where the feelings are, but I have to acknowledge them. And that is what yesterday was about. I still want to go home, I still wish we knew where our next home will be, I still wish that our circumstances were different. It's been a hard week. Emotional. So be it...it's not going to be forever. And good things are coming. I know the character of my God, and I cling to what I know.
"Don't, enemy, crow over me.
I'm down, but I'm not out.
I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light....it's not forever.
He's on my side and is going to get me out of this.
He'll turn on the lights and show me His ways. I'll see the whole picture and how right He is...
Oh, that will be a day!
A day for rebuilding your city,
a day for stretching your arms, spreading your wings!"
(Micah 7:8-9, 11)
I did strap Annie to the front of me and played my piano in the garage with the sun shining on us and just enough breeze to make it pleasant. That was special, and something I would have never had the chance to do if we weren't "in between". A silver-lining moment. Today, we will go to one of the beautiful parks here and live this day. I want to be very clear- living also includes crying and questioning and grieving, along with the joy and laughter and play. Trusting God doesn't always look happy. That's not real! And we are nothing if not real! Human beings, created with emotions and feeling and free will...we can trust Him and still ask why! We can trust Him and still tell Him we hate the situation! He already knows, we may as well just be raw and honest on our knees before Him. He asks that we come and be in relationship with Him- true relationship with Him.
I know that good things are coming; it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not foolish enough to just live where the feelings are, but I have to acknowledge them. And that is what yesterday was about. I still want to go home, I still wish we knew where our next home will be, I still wish that our circumstances were different. It's been a hard week. Emotional. So be it...it's not going to be forever. And good things are coming. I know the character of my God, and I cling to what I know.
"Don't, enemy, crow over me.
I'm down, but I'm not out.
I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light....it's not forever.
He's on my side and is going to get me out of this.
He'll turn on the lights and show me His ways. I'll see the whole picture and how right He is...
Oh, that will be a day!
A day for rebuilding your city,
a day for stretching your arms, spreading your wings!"
(Micah 7:8-9, 11)
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