I’m writing from my bedroom this morning. The snow is falling outside with such speed and determination that I know it will be piled there for days. My bed is warm and my daughter is sleeping in, wonder of wonders, so I will stay snuggled in this fortress against the cold as long as possible. My husband and I moved into this house only three months ago, but it’s amazing how quickly one’s bedroom becomes a sanctuary of sorts. It is my place of rest, not only for my body, but my soul as well.
My last bedroom was huge. I painted it a soothing and reassuring blue and when baby came we had plenty of space for a bassinette, a rocking chair, a space heater that looks like a fireplace and still have room to fit a small car if so desired. We did not desire. It was way more space than we could ever have needed. We talked about knocking down the wall between the bedroom and master bath and expanding the bathroom to make room for the bathtub of my dreams. We had major plans of renovation for those two rooms. God, it seems, had major plans of renovation for us.
My new bedroom is small. I love how small it is. It’s cozy and close and sweet. There is no space for a bassinette or a space heater, although I did fit the rocking chair in the corner and could die for how precious it looks sitting there. The closet is old and the doors stick and there is only about half the space our old closet had, but I don’t mind. In fact, I could go room by room and tell you how much smaller each one is compared to my last home. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living areas…I am amazed we fit everything in. We have gone from a three car garage with a storage shed to a one car garage, period. I love it! It’s a bright, cheerful home and so different from what we left. I needed it to be different. If God had moved me from one identical space to another, I would have been more miffed than I already was. If we were changing course, than we needed to change. Everything.
I am not a big fan of change, unless it is done on my terms. I love to rearrange the furniture, re-organize the pantry, the closet, that drawer in the kitchen that catches all the odds and ends, but I need to be that one doing the re-arranging. That way I know where everything is. Everything has its place and I am thrilled to discover where that place is. And when everything is in its place, my soul is at rest. The air seems fresher, the colors brighter and I can sit and drink a cup of tea in complete peace. I wish I was kidding, but this really does it for me.
It all boils down to control. I don’t want somebody else coming in and “discovering where everything has its place”; that would throw the whole system off. When I was pregnant, my sweet and helpful husband, in an attempt to make my world a little easier, would empty the dishwasher. It was disastrous. Mixing bowls ended up with casserole dishes, and muffin tins with cheese graters. Nothing made any sense! And God whispered to my spirit, “Let it happen.” What?! Sit back while my kitchen becomes nonsensical?! God, You KNOW what order does for me!
“Let it happen. Let him love on you in this way, and let go of your control. It’s a good exercise for bigger things.”
That was NOT what I wanted to hear. But I yielded and tried not to wince when I found the regular drinking glasses with the juice glasses. To be honest, I don’t know if that exercise helped at all when a few months later everything was thrown out of order; out of MY order. Everything felt way out of control and I did not like it. I’m not an idiot. I knew that God was in control and nothing happenstance was going on and this would not be the end of the world. But in the same token, I wasn’t in control, everything seemed to be spinning, I was getting dizzy, AND it was the end of the world I had planned.
And again He whispered, “Let it happen.”
Isaiah 65:17-18a: “Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create…”
That’s the NIV. Here’s the same verse and a half in the Message: “Pay close attention now: I’m creating new heavens and a new earth. All the earlier troubles, chaos, and pain are things of the past, to be forgotten.
Look ahead with joy. Anticipate what I’m creating.”
The God I serve is a creative God. He makes something from nothing all the time and isn’t content to leave things the way they are. He IS into change. And when He steps in to change things, beauty happens. Miracles happen. New worlds and new creatures and new ways of thinking happen. There may be a time of transition between the old and the new, but the new is worth anticipating. We can look ahead with joy. “The former things will not be remembered!” The new things will be so amazing that we won’t need to dwell on what was. He even promises that the trouble, chaos and pain that took us there will be eclipsed by how wonderful the newness is.
Knowing all this doesn’t make it easier. It does give me hope and something to cling to, but I’m still in transition, mourning the loss of my friends, my plans, my home, my church. You name it; I miss it. I don’t understand why a God all about change and newness- who Himself never changes- didn’t create us to be more open to it. Most people I talk to aren’t wild about change. So if God is always doing a “new thing”, why are we so resistant to it?
I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with “no longer being conformed to the patterns of this world, but being transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Maybe we have all convinced ourselves that we don’t like change, don’t need change, are fine “as – is” , and it’s a lie. Makes sense. It seems like we have all forgotten who we are; who we were created to be. If you listen to high school graduates, they are bent on discovering who they are. The personality tests, the tests that determine your aptitude for a chosen profession, all these give us glimpses into the people God created us to be, but don’t answer the deep questions. So maybe we crave change. The way our bodies crave water. We don’t think about it, we just need it. Or maybe we have been lulled into complacency by years and years of wrong thinking. Or maybe when Adam and Eve ate the fruit in an attempt “be like God” (Gen. 3:5) the struggle for control began. I don’t know. I do know that I want to anticipate with joy what God is going to do. Today. Tomorrow. Next week and next year and in my daughter’s life and in my husband’s life and my life. I want to wake up wondering, “What are you going to do today? What changes are going to happen around me and in me?” Looking for, anticipating what He’s going to do. And when those changes occur, I want to meet them head on with thanksgiving. If we really mean it when we pray, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done,” it’s going to mean a loss of control on our part. It’s going to mean that things change.
And instead of fighting it…I think I’ll let it happen.
