Dizzy.  And faint.  And thinking how much I really hate hospitals- especially emergency rooms.  I'm walking around the hospital trying to find my husband.  I was told he was here by one of his co-workers.  "Prepare yourself, soldier."  Those were his exact words to me when he left.  "Prepare yourself." 

I don't WANT to prepare myself.  Scott and I have both been convinced that things were starting to break for us;  that the sun was going to start shining on us soon;  that this series of "unfortunate events" was coming to a close.  Today does not support that belief.

But I prepare myself, anyway.  When Annie wakes up from her nap I go to the hospital.  There is no parking.  I park in a parking garage, but have no cash on me and it says, "No debit/credit cards accepted."  I'm going in and have no clue how I'm getting out.  My husband is in there, so come what may.

He is sitting on the bed, his head covered in caked blood looking woozy.  I feel my eyes widen and try to smile reassuringly.  That's when I get really dizzy and look for a chair.  Trying to appear nonchalant and ease gracefully into the chair without looking panicky I dump my coat and Annie's on the floor, next to the giant pile of blood-soaked rags.  This is not helping.  This can't really be happening.  Any minute I know I'll wake up and Scott will be next to me with no staples in his head and we will laugh over how crazy my dreams have been lately.  No such luck.

"I am the man who has seen affliction..." (Lamentations 3:1a)
"He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
He has weighed me down with chains. 
Even when I call out or cry for help, He shuts out my prayer.
He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
He has made my paths crooked." (vs. 7-9)

That is how I feel.  I know this must be how Scott feels.  Like shaking our fists at the heavens and shouting, "Are you kidding me with this???!!!  I trusted You!  What are you doing?"  This just doesn't fit in with what I've been reading in Jeremiah.

"I will lead them beside streams of water, on a level path they will not stumble." (31:9)

How does faith fit in when nothing makes sense?  Where do you put your faith when it seems like the tragedy of Job has fallen all around you?  I look back at the same chapter in Lamentations.

Verse 22-24:  "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;  great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him."

So here I am waiting.  Praying for a level path and for this winter season in my spiritual life to come to an end.  I'm so ready for spring.